Good Morning Everyone! It’s hump day! (unlike Fergie-Ferg in “my humps”, hump day here is related to that it is Wednesday, half way to Friday! Just in case you didn’t know.)
I woke up this morning and my first thought was “I have to pee”. Which, I presume is a very common first thought for a lot of people who like me, hold their bladders until the morning to where they might burst. However, my second thought was “today will be a good day!” I have super girlie plans to go get my nails done with my friend, Kallie (name changed here), meet her adorable new puppy, catch up on some 90210 and then hopefully see the wonderful NK later this evening.
I haven’t always woken up this optimistic however, a few years back it was actually pretty difficult to get up. Not a lot of people know this, and I never posted it on my old blog for the fear of being judged but through most of high school I struggled with an eating disorder. I wasn’t diagnosed, I didn’t go to rehab or a clinic, and it didn’t consume my life but it affect my self-esteem greatly. I guess I should rewind to explain.
Everyone has ugly years (whether it be physically ugly, or psychologically you think you’re ugly). It’s fact. If you don’t believe me, go back and look at your photo albums growing up and you will see that for a period of time (mostly through horrid puberty), you probably didn’t look your best. Mine were from age 11 to about… age 14-15. But this is besides the point: my eating disorder.
I had always been a thin girl growing up, growing taller faster than anyone resulting in looking lanky like a washboard. It was in grade 5 (again, early than everyone) that I started to get what every girl wanted, BOOBS. And they were — and still are — awesome. However, as I progressed through puberty, I went into high school and started seeing how flawless everyone looked. Looking back, I really wasn’t overweight I was actually quite healthy in terms of weight but I felt disgusting. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to fit in. I would be bubbly, energetic and happy at school but I would come home and look in the mirror and pick apart everything I wanted to change about myself, so I started purging (which is just as ugly and gross as it sounds). I would come home, eat whatever I wanted but then feel gross and disgusting so I made myself throw it up. I had seen the idea on a movie or TV show and decided it was the best way to make everyone think I was okay while losing weight. The first purge was in February of 2010 I believe, my Grade 11 year. This continued on and off until July 2010, when my best friends mom saw me and said “wow, Jo you look way too skinny, I’m worried about you.” I laughed and pretended it was nothing, but I went home that night and thought “what the heck am I doing to myself.” For a long time I sat on my washroom floor staring at my floor-length mirror at myself. I stood up to take a look, and I knew there was something wrong when I was in fact, skinny (again, not that being overweight was ever an actual problem) but thought I still wasn’t good enough. I was lucky to get this insight that I was not okay, that I needed to stop. And stop I did. It was hard, and even to this day almost three years later I’ll find myself subconsciously looking in the mirror thinking I’m not good enough (which I then realize what I’m doing, and tell myself something I love about myself).
You may ask, why did I never seek out help? Well, you see, amongst my friends and family I am the rock — the strong one, if you must. I hold everyone together. I can give advice to any problem, I’m the shoulder to cry on and I was deathly afraid of being vulnerable in front of these people — especially my mom who always depended on my for her breakdowns. It was hard to be alone, and I have told some people about what happened after it passed who thankfully, just hugged me and told me that they loved me and I was going to be okay.
Looking back now, I realize how scary things could have gotten for me if I hadn’t had the strength and willpower to stop what I had started. But being a teenager (be it boy or girl) is scary, the peer pressure, the thought that you have to be perfect. It’s a very evident struggle, especially in society today where we are showered with advertisements filled with perfect looking models, and TV shows with flawless looking girls.
But if you are struggling (or even not struggling), just know you are NEVER alone and you will get through it. You are beautiful and one of a kind. Don’t change your body to be like someone else, because you can only be you and there is nothing wrong with that. It will be hard, and you will feel alone. But remember that the moment is just now, not the rest of your life — there is so much more out here in the world than trying to be perfect and thin, and you were placed here for a reason. You could change the world!
Keep the peace with your body, mind and soul.
with love,
Jo
with love, Jo 
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