the big “D”

Today I want to talk about a topic I’ve been trying to avoid and deny. 

Death.

Even though I am practicing to become a nurse, and death will be around my daily job. I can’t grasp the concept of how it is fair. How anything is fair really. How is it fair that there are innocent children in Africa and third world countries who are starving to death? How is it fair that lives are taken everyday by drunk drives, or homicides? How is cancer, a disease so malignant and so disgusting that grows with no boundaries with little to no warning signs, how can that disease claim so many victims? How is anything fair? 

A very dear, close friend of mine has been battling cancer for over a year. And I’m struggling coming to terms with the concept that she very well may pass away. She has been labelled “terminal”. Although I have the uttermost faith in her and her abilities to fight, I’m weakened to my core with the thought that the disease will overcome. And slowly, I’ve seen that it has. First it claimed her arm… that lead to an amputation. Then, her lungs in two spots. One spot was removed by a lobectomy (removal of that lung lobe)… Then, the last spot — that was supposed to be innocent and easy to control — continued to grow to where the cancer has infected both her lungs again, to where she is on constant oxygen and having fluid drained from her lungs weekly. Then, the cancer came back in what was left of her limb. This is terrifying. My nursing brain tells me this is the end, but the thought of that makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to scream, and throw things and lose complete control. This can’t be happening to a 19 year old. THIS ISN’T OKAY. I’m not okay with this, and I don’t know why the cards are being laid out the way they are. I understand sometimes you need to “take a step back to get a new perspective”, but how does a person who did nothing wrong end up with such a gruesome, terrible destiny. How does ANYONE end up with that destiny? I understand we’ve all got to die someday.. but why can’t we once we’ve lived our life to its fullest, and peaceful without pain? Is that too much to ask…

I don’t know what I will be do if death takes her, I really don’t. I’ve never had to lose someone close to me, and I don’t feel like I’m ready. I know it’s not about me, and sometimes I find myself thinking I would like her out of pain and misery, but I don’t know how to handle this. I want to be 5 years old again and not understand. When the biggest concerns I have was my crayons and barbie dolls.